It’s been a while.

I am lucky to say I have a few friends who elicit pretty consistent giggling. They just see the silliness in things and somehow we manage to connect over them. It can arise really easily, and usually when it’s most inconvenient (like just when you’re sipping a cup of coffee–resulting in embarrassing but more giggling-inducing snorts) through a glance, a pause, a quick beat that says, “Did you just see what I saw?”.

Love the LOL!! I think it may be one of the first steps to freedom–something I’m always looking for, but maybe with a little too much seriousness…

The view from my window

Usually when I get ready to move to a different geographical location, I start to look at the place where I currently live with a little extra attention, and dare I say, appreciation. Today was one of those days for me. I noticed that the leaves on most of the trees are shifting from a radiant green, to more subtle hues of yellow. Autumn.

A bluebird perched itself on the tree just after I snapped this picture and flew away right before I snapped the next. I like symbols and signs. And I instantly thought of the fleeting nature of life, time and place. I more keenly noticed the space the bluebird left behind and thought of Eckhart Tolle’s book, ”A New Earth: Awakening to your life’s purpose,” in which he says that “all structures are unstable”.

Anyway, in the interest of continuing to not heed my i.c. (inner critic), I decided to sit down and not think as I write about autumn, the instability of structures, the passage of time, the negative space, and how we are truly not in control—as much as sometimes I like to think I have even slightest bit of say-so.

Still, looking at my surroundings in that moment, I felt a certain stability in the present, while still feeling a certain, comforting, sense of insignificance. The world really does keep turning–whether I listen to my i.c. or not. Whether I win or lose, live or die, do or don’t.

Perhaps this is what is meant by meditating on the void. My day is pretty busy, but I’m going to see if I can lock into an awareness of the negative space, the void. By this, I don’t mean to reject or avoid what is–but really just to float my consciousness on that space in between…

I’m having a hard time describing my intention, my vision, because it crystallizes into form the … empty thought I simply experienced. Perhaps you still understand? Have you had a similar experience—where you were so in contact with “reality” by accepting what is not as what is?

Don't Silence Your Cheerleader, Silence your Inner Critic!

Well, I did it. I went ahead and ignored my Inner Critic. Boy, was it tough.

I applied for a job in Switzerland. This was a job that was practically had my name all over it. When I saw it, my heart started racing, and I got all excited. And then, it started to burst the little bubbles of excitement one by one.

“You know they’ll never consider you. You own a restaurant, now. You wait tables. Why would they want a server for a marketing communications person?”

Just like that, elation turned to deflation.

He’s so sneaky. He knows all the right buttons to push. (And, yes, I know he’s a he. For other people, the Inner Critic can be a woman, like an abuela who always knows what’s best for you; but for me, that voice is definitely male. (One day, I’ll look into that, but for now…))

I put the posting to the side and slipped on my sneakers and apron to go to work. But my heart couldn’t help nudging me to think about the job posting.

Yesterday, I just sort of said, “Eff it! I’m applying.” And I just sat down and started writing a cover letter, I looked through my CV, found some writing samples that I thought would be recent and relevant enough for the job. And he was there, every step of the way. Like an anti-cheerleader, he tried to use all the tricks. Here are his top three messages:

• 1) “Now don’t rush this!” He likes this one, because he knows I’m a perfectionist. (When, I’m rushed, I slow down to make sure I don’t make silly errors.) He’ll make me look at my watch and gauge how much time until I have to do x,y, z… He’s really good at this.

For instance, yesterday, I had two hours to draft a cover letter and get my materials together. He was right there with, “That’s not nearly enough time. Remember, it takes about 15 minutes to get to work, another 15 minutes to shower and dress. In fact, you have less than 90 minutes! And now, look, you need to search through your files to find a document! The last thing you want is to send your application out with a typo!”

So, I reasoned with him that I would just pull everything together, I wouldn’t have to submit it until later. (Trust me, I knew I was already sort of falling into his trap. Because once I push off the job, I may just end up putting it off indefinitely and missing my window.) That’s when the next message came through. (I can tell it’s his, because it’s contradictory but still effective.)

• 2) “Well, if you procrastinate, you’ve just as well blown the whole thing already! Don’t even bother applying!” Can you believe it? I can. I tell you, my Inner Critic is tough! I continued being gentle with him and said, “Well, I’ll just pull these things together now, and then, I’ll review them again tomorrow. In fact, I might have a friend look over the documents overnight, so I have a second set of eyes…” That brought in the last clear indication that my I.C. was heading into panic-mode.

• 3) “What do you need to bring her in for? She’ll tear your application to shreds. She’ll find so many things wrong with it, you’ll never get to send it in anyway!” Turns out that wasn’t the case, by the way. Her changes were minimal. Her suggestions were reasonable, constructive and useful. And when I looked at it again this morning, I ended up making more changes to the application anyway.

I learned that your “Outer Cheerleader”—the friends you can really count on for their honesty and trust for their sensitivity to your flaws and their love for your strengths—is one of the best weapons you have for confronting your Inner Critic

What’s amazing to me is how, when I write these messages down, and look at them. I can clearly see how flawed and desperate they are. And yet, so many of us heed our Inner Critic and essentially live in fear.

I can also see that my Inner Critic wants me to be scared, because he is scared. I’m not really sure why or of what he is scared, but that shouldn’t be my problem, should it? And when I analyze some of the things he says to make me scared, they are actually quite silly, aren’t they? When I look back and think of all the times I completely ignored my I.C., or dragged him along, kicking and screaming, I only remember good things that came from it!

How about you? Do you remember a time you ignored your Inner Critic and are so glad you did?

“It appears my Inner Critic is a vieja in a house dress.“

Mine happens to be a tiny man, maybe it’s a gnome or a dwarf, but it gets around. It’s a grumpy older man who likes to think he’s been around the world a few times. He can be tough to confront at times, because he’s actually pretty smart, in a smarty-pants sort of way. Thing is, I have to remind him, “You wouldn’t be so experienced, smart and well-traveled if I didn’t bring you along with me on all my journeys. Sit back, let me do, and if I need your help—” This is where he’ll interrupt me and try to tell me the word I want to use is “when [I need his help]“. Sure, “—when I need your help, I’ll ask you for help, okay?”

He’ll sit back and fold his arms over his chest and just watch me.

“While I’m at it, can you turn around please? Don’t worry, I’ll call on you when I need your help,” I’ll ask him, so I can at least flub without him breathing down my neck.

“Fine. I’ll go where my assistance is appreciated,” he’ll say in a huff.

I don’t have this confrontation nearly enough. I should make it more of a habit, a ritual, until I get around to doing the things I want to do more.

Have you met your inner critic? Have you confronted it? How did it go for you?

Anyway, today I had only one little errand planned, and then I vowed I would be okay with doing nothing. Of course, I ended up on my computer and surfing the galaxy. In the meantime, I ran into a blog called Polybloggimus that caught my fancy. I ended up staying there for quite the little while.

I couldn’t summarize what the blog is about, but on a day like today, it was just what I needed: something about nothing. There was no point, no target audience, no profits to make, losses to measure, no strategy. He blogs simply because he can.

I’m doing nothing, simply because I can.

And I’m okay with it.

Buena Vista Tobacco Factory in Cancun's Hotel Zone

The night had already descended upon Cancun, and we were picked up in the pitch darkness by a ride we had already arranged. We managed to make it to our hotel relatively unscathed, just a little bit jostled by a long day of hanging around and waiting.

Food was foremost on our minds. After a quick shower, we hit the Av. Kukulcan in Cancun’s hotel zone (13 miles of resort hotels) by foot and started to look for something that wasn’t an American franchise, but rather a Mexican-owned establishment. It was hard to find. We passed a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, a mall that contained a Subway, a Baskin Robbins — you get my drift.

On the other side of the street we saw something that caught our eyes. A sign that ran atop a building that announced in large letters, “Buena Vista Tobacco Factory”. That was curious. We looked at it a little closer. It was late. If there was a tobacco factory there, the lights were out, so we really couldn’t see very much.

On the ground floor of this building there was an Oxxo (a convenience store like a 7-Eleven), a bar and tobacco shop called “La Casa del Habanero”, an empty commercial space and a small locally-owned restaurant called “Santos Mariscos”.

We were hungry and decided to eat at Santos Mariscos that night. We’d check out the tobacco factory the next day.

This photo was actually taken 2 years ago! (My hair was so long then...)

Few things are lamer than getting to your vacation spot and wasting the first few hours on trying to find a pharmacy to pick up the right kind of contact solution for your eyes, or get a toothbrush, instead of, say, chilling on your beach of choice, or maxing it at the resort bar. Even though I haven’t vacationed in the true sense of the word in years I knew I would need to make some purchases on this mainland, before heading to Cancun.

Allow me to enumerate my Top 5 of “Don’t Forgets”:

1) Bikini Wax. For Sun-time Peace of Mind. If you want to get an all around tan, you need to take the “natural” out of “au naturel”. It also helps to give your skin a couple days to settle from the shock of losing all its protective fur — so I decided to get buffed on Monday for a Wednesday flight.

2) Swimwear: the two-piece. This is one of those items that’s impossible for my fickle figure to fit–and it seems that August is a fickle time of year to purchase swimwear because no stores are willing to hold on to this inventory for another 12 months. Surrounded by a dozen ill-fitting bikini tops, I almost cried in the changing rooms at Target. Instead, I decided to stop, drop the pret-a-porter wear and redirect my energies towards more productive tasks: Googling.

I found this FABULOUS place, called Intimacy in Phipps Plaza, where they have bikinis that are (imagine this) tailored to fit the female form. In fact, you can hardly walk in there without a sales associate insisting you get properly sized. We pulled about six bikini tops from the racks. Three of them fit, and I actually had the pleasure of choice in a bikini top. The bikini bottoms were a bit of a disaster, but I can find a substitute anywhere. To all the ladies with formidable twins, I say run, don’t walk to “Intimacy” when you need a bikini or a bra. (Your puppies will thank you.)

www.spanx.com

3) More Swimwear: the one-piece. (Okay, I know I’m cheating, but I’m taking my first vacation very seriously.) I also found this great brand that released a flirty one-piece that looks like a mini-mini-skirted negligee. It has ruffles and totally covers the derriere with beaucoup de rigeur – a must for this body that is no longer in its 20s. It was created by Spanx — an Atlanta-based brand that any woman who lives and works with a chef should get to know.

4) Even more swimwear: for the male piece. I’m one of those girlfriends that’s pretty good at sourcing things for her boyfriend. I just find it easier to eyeball apparel for another person’s body than my own. (When he ran a 10k on Maui, I went to the sports shop and found him a pair of running shoes. He completed and was thrilled with my choice.) Still, I was a little jarred when he asked me to get him a … (drum roll, please) bikini.

Frankly, he has no qualms about letting it all hang out at the beach or at the pool. But he has finally accepted that certain cultures are not as comfortable with the nude human form as he is. Also, let’s just say his (ahem) anatomy isn’t as modest as that of, say, Michaelangelo’s David.

If you’re tasked with a similar job, here’s something you should know. It is nearly impossible to find anything that is not a board short (they make him look like a five-year-old) or those hideous “trunks” (notorious for their ballooning effect in the water) during the month of August. Most retail shops seem content with getting only two styles (of any clothing) for men.

I ended up getting him an updated speedo that’s less like a brief and more like a bicycle short from CitySports.

5) Everything else:

• Travel sized toothpaste
• Toothbrush covers
• Flip flops, at $2.50 a pair!!
• Empty 3 oz bottles (at $0.97 each) to put sunscreen in, conditioner and lotion — because I like what I like.
• Contact lens solution (travel-sized)

This pic is actually from our days living on Maui...

Some of you may know that I currently run a small restaurant. The work is more intense and constant than I ever imagined. When people say that running a restaurant isn’t a job, it’s a lifestyle, I know what they mean. It is a style of living that is 24/7.

So, after about 20 months in the restaurant industry, I started getting that eyes-glazed-over appearance, and my chef-partner suggested we close the restaurant down for a couple weeks to take a vacay. (That’s not exactly how it happened, but that’s my story this time, for brevity.)

For a minute there, I looked into Europe, but the fares were too high. Then, I looked into even more exotic locales like Uruguay, Chile, Argentina…. It all looked sooooo fabulous. But it was all out of my range. Either the flights were too costly, the lodging was too costly, or the trip was too time-intensive for something that was supposed to be relaxing. Then, I seriously considered a road trip, starting in Atlanta, driving up the east coast, and coming down through the Blue Ridge mountains.

I was pretty much decided on this plan, when some way, some how, I got back to searching again on Friday. And I found this trip on BookIt.com to Cancun. With only an hour before the dinner shift started, I needed to make a decision — so I impulse-bought a package to Cancun. Yes, indeed.

There’ll be more here about that. But for now, a parting photograph — to get in the mood.

I was so down, I couldn’t even take a nap, or read a book. I was feeling the restless blues. But I knew I couldn’t keep it up, or wallow in it. In only a few hours, I’d have to be on-point and focused on everything and everybody else to wait tables like — well, like I wasn’t the center of my bluesy universe.

So, I did what any chick who needs to “snap out of it” would do. I decided to get a bikini wax. Thing is, I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I needed to snap out of it like a one-legged Crane kick–a la Ralph Macchio and Mr. Miagi.

I decided to get a Brazilian wax.

Hey, what can I say? We’re headed into the summer. I haven’t really treated myself to any beauty treatments since opening the restaurant. I needed to get out in the world. What better way than to go out like it’s your birthday–like you came out into this world for the first time and you have no reason to be like a monkey lost in the jungle.

Here’s my verdict: Nothing snaps you out of a funk better than a good Brazilian bikini wax (hey, I was in a deep funk, okay?). And by good Brazilian wax, I mean one that was performed well and swiftly.

An important element in getting a good Brazilian wax is finding out if your beautician uses hard wax. This is so critical. I have had a Brazilian by strip wax, and if you enjoy having your skin ripped off along with hair, I strongly suggest this method for you. If you prefer to remove hair only (and to maintain a shred of dignity that only skin can hold in)–make sure they use hard wax.

…if you enjoy having your skin ripped off along with hair, I strongly suggest this method for you…

I selected Midtown Atlanta’s Sweet Samba on Monroe for this reason, and also because it was near where I live and work. When I walked in, I was greeted by a gaggle of smiling girls in what looked more like a dresses and accessories boutique than a beauty parlor that administers medieval self-decided torture.

Seeing these smiling girls, I could only assume that to work there they had to be happy customers as well. They looked as happy as I wanted to feel, so I sauntered in and told them I was a first-time Sweet Samba customer who wanted a Brazilian. They gave me a form and told me I could see someone in about 15  minutes.

In a few minutes, I was introduced to my beautician. She took me to a room that had a television installed on the ceiling. She instructed me to remove all my clothing from the waist down and lay on the gurney (my word, not hers). I lay there and started to watch a golf tournament (that’s what the TV was tuned into), and felt the breeze in the room waft over my nether region. She stepped into the room and asked me to open my legs in a butterfly position. That was the last painless part of the appointment before it was over an interminable 30 minutes later.

The great thing about doing something like this when you’re feeling the blues is there’s no going back. Once she starts buttering up your inner thighs with warm wax, you can’t back out. No one said feeling good about one’s self is a painless process. The only way she can remove the wax is by waiting for it to cool, harden and to … tear it off, taking your hair with it.

Once you get that monkey off your back, you’re free. You’ve survived excruciating pain in one of the most sensitive parts of your body. If you can handle this, you can handle anything, right? What was I moping about anyway?

I don’t know, I’ve been too distracted by my bald and beautiful vajayjay to remember.

P.S. If you want more of a description of the Brazilian wax procedure, there’s a great blog post here.

In this blog, I will eventually get around to all the cool things I learned while I was in Switzerland, but today, I decided I needed to write about another important thing I learned about management.

A Negative Pattern Can be a Groove All Its Own

Remember the days of vinyl records, the kind that could easily get scratched and skip a groove, so the needle would repeat the same refrain over an over? Sometimes, when I would listen to the record player from too far away to nudge the needle along, I would simply allow the skip to play itself over and over again–to the point where I would expect it any time I heard the song (and would be surprised if I didn’t hear it skip, like when it would play on the car radio).

Sometimes, a person walking by would help nudge the needle along, but most of the time it would be up to me to walk up to the record player and move the needle further along into another groove and back into the rhythm of its song.

What’s fascinating is how in life one can easily and almost imperceptibly fall into a negative pattern (as a routine) as a needle can get stuck in groove. I think this routine is also called a “rut”.

Indeed, it was only upon my return from a trip that was so  geographically, culturally and routinely different from my day-to-day responsibilities here in Atlanta that I noticed the rut I had fallen into. Specifically, I noticed how I have a habit of swooping in to correct the errors made by the employees who report to me, rather than pointing it out that it’s a responsibility of theirs to correct.

“You’re definitely stuck in a rut when your employees think it’s your job to do their job.”

I must be as old as the vinyl records I grew up listening to. I grew up in a culture and generation that preached “if you want the job done right, you have to do it yourself”. I also am the product of the culture and generation that believes a manager has to be willing and able to do the job herself if she’s going to delegate it to employees. Thing is, I fell into the pattern of swooping in too many times–to the point where my employees thought it was my job to do their job.

I had had small indications that there was an issue when I had more employees than ever, but I was still pulling in as many shifts. Some of my employees would come in closer and closer to their scheduled arrival time (and sometimes even late) because the job would still be here for them when they reported late.

Indeed, I was here. Rain or Shine. Like Clockwork. I would open the restaurant without them, and grimace when they came in late. (If that was the worst their punishment got, I deserved my own punishment for cultivating a culture where they would get away with expecting me to fill in for them.)

I had noticed that this pattern was heading in a negative direction even before I knew I was planning to leave the country, I just didn’t know how to stop (or change) the pattern. Is it something you tear off, like a band-aid? Or is it something I need to document? Which is fair? What’s the tradition for changing traditions?

Creating a Paper Trail

I reverted to lessons that I learned in a corporate environment. I created a sheet of paper that would document the incident and called it an “Incident Report”. It allowed me the opportunity to communicate to the employee that certain things could not continue, and I was also able to communicate that there were repercussions for such “small” slights as tardiness–even if it is only by one minute.

Interestingly, I had the opportunity to introduce the “incident report” to each of my employees for an error they made prior to my leaving. At the same time, I could tell them about my plans to travel and the opportunity to expand their responsibilities to the organization if they truly wanted to continue to be a part of the team. They had all expressed a willingness to be a part of the team, and to “up their game” while I would be away on travel.

I did my best to ensure that they could succeed without me. I put processes and procedures in place. I produced step-by-step directions for tasks that they rarely needed to handle when I was around. I walked through those directions with them every day leading up to my departure. The crew performed really well in the three weeks prior to my trip. (Yes, I was still swooping in, but I also wanted to prepare them for the big change that my complete absence would represent.)

Boy! was I disappointed to learn that some of them clocked in late while I was gone! (One was even half-an-hour late!)

Being Okay with Axing Negativity to Catalyze Change

With a clear head that had had the freedom of separation to assess my situation at the restaurant, I was able to end a negative pattern. I decided that the best way to change the negative pattern of staff member’s tardiness was to show zero-tolerance. (“It’s not you; it’s me.”) I suspended two of my employees and issued a warning to a third employee in my second day back on the job.

All I really knew at the time was I needed to end a pattern. What if the restaurant gets slammed? What if I can’t perform? Yep. I was dealing with a textbook case of subconscious performance anxiety, and I was allowing my crew to lower the bar of what I expected of them, me and the restaurant.

But I also had to look at the other harsh reality. (There were times I had to take on this responsibility when the staff member didn’t call in at all. And I had survived.) The world keeps turning whether I’m in it or not.

I hardly knew that by suspending my staff and closing a door (that was open to this negative pattern), I was creating a new gateway to develop a clearer model of what I wanted. Sure, I’m super busy now with running a dining room and hiring new staff (even too busy to write and share photos of my trip), but I’m also more focused and clear about what I expect from my current (and new) staff. I have a process in place as to how to approach the issue of tardiness (a huge pet peeve of mine) with an employee.

I am out of a groove and I can move on with making music out of the noise in my life!